So, the day I am writing this I am having a bad day. I was sat happily playing with Little Man and my anxiety hit me like a bus. I don’t often feel like this any more; most of the time if I do, it is under control within minutes but today has been a rubbish day. There is no particular reason it is here, in fact considering the week I am about to have I have less to trigger off my anxiety than normal but here it is anyway. Can’t say I am pleased to be reunited with it!
When I write about anxiety I write positive posts about my experiences with it. I like to show that you can get through it, that there is light at the end of that horrible tunnel and that it does get better. I stand by all three of those statements. However, I don’t want people to feel like I am making it sound easy and I wanted to write about how sh*t it can feel; maybe that might comfort people too? As with everything, there is a flip side. Today has been a flip side.
Sometimes I feel it is worse when it comes over me like this for a few hours than when I was living with it twenty four seven because I notice the feelings more. I notice the dizziness, the shortness of breath and the inability to concentrate on anything for more than 5 minutes at a time. I find it even more frustrating when it comes on without any warning, for no reason at all. I mean, what is my brain playing at?! I have had numerous occasions since my recovery started where I have given myself a big pat on the back; when I haven’t felt anxious or if I have then I have kept it under control. But when it comes on like this with no rhyme or reason, it makes absolutely no sense to me. It is hard to fight something you don’t understand. I’d like to think that tomorrow it will be gone because more than likely it does that now and I know what the feelings are so I try my best to just let them wash over me. So, come on then Mr Anxiety, come and give your best shot.
I suppose all of this is a reminder that I’m not quite there yet but I am dealing with it a lot better than I used to. I sat and ate a meal with my family only half an hour ago, I didn’t disappear upstairs to cry and I have carried on as normal. In fact G didn’t even realise I was feeling rubbish until I mentioned it.
Why have I written this miserable post?! I’m not really sure other than to say, there is another side to my be-positive posts but also that it’s still loads better than it was. There is still progress. Although I feel rubbish about it right now, I would have given anything a year ago to only have it once in a blue moon.
Okay, let me stick a positive spin on this. I am human, so are you, if you’re reading this and feeling the same as me. It is okay not to be okay and tomorrow hopefully we will be. Keep pushing through, it is worth it.
I’m off to have some time out once my little man is in bed. Reset my brain and start a new day tomorrow.
Update: I wrote this last week to get all the feelings out onto my screen rather than being stuck in my head. I was okay the next day and have been since so hopefully it will be a while till my next anxious day. I am going to publish now because I think that flip side is important to show sometimes so everyone feels human.
Have a lovely day.