Before I had Little Man I would hear peoples birth stories and couldn’t wait to feel the instant love for my baby that so many spoke about. The overwhelming feeling of love for that little person that was yours. I couldn’t wait till I saw my little man for the first time and I would feel that too.
Except I didn’t.
As controversial as it sounds and as heartless as it sounds, I just didn’t get it. My little boy was shown to me over the screen hiding my open tummy after my emergency caesarean. He was then shown to me by my husband but everything had been so rushed that I couldn’t hold him; I could barely touch him. Then they took him away, up to recovery where I would soon follow.
Except I didn’t.
There was some sort of problem, a lack of bed and a porter. An admin, organisational problem. A problem that cost me my feelings for my little boy that I had so desperately waited for for 2 years of trying to conceive. I don’t know how long I lay in that operating theatre, waiting but it was a long time.
The only thing I have of my sons first hour is a video that G took for me. I may be wrong but I put this issue, this admin problem down to my difficulty bonding to Little Man in the early days. I felt a protective instinct and the need to look after him but it didn’t feel like I thought it should. I didn’t feel this overwhelming feeling that I felt like I was supposed to.
Safe to say I felt like a pretty crap Mum.
The first few months of having Little Man are a blur of difficult breast feeding, sleepless nights and, well, just trying to stay on top of things with G being away at work. Slowly but surely Little Man and I got to know each other and I felt it. I felt the love for him. Now, some days I look at him and that overwhelming feeling hits me.
It is amazing. Just as they said it would be but it most definitely wasn’t at the beginning. And after giving myself a hard time for a long time I now know that that’s OK. Of course it’s OK, there is no text book for the first few months of being a Mum, there are no right or wrong ways, methods or techniques. You do it your way and you feel your way through it. If you are pregnant or have just had a baby and you don’t feel IT straight away, know that it’s okay. I am now not ashamed to say that I had a horrific birth experience, it’s safe to say we both nearly didn’t see the next day and I think I was in shock for a long time as to what happened and I had to deal with that too. We all do it in different ways but know that if you are feeling like that, it comes. Oh my goodness, does it come, and yes it is amazing and everything they say is right. But I know one thing, I never take the love I feel for Little Man for granted.