Post-Natal Anxiety & Me – I’m Sorry

Post-natal Anxiety (1)

To my friends, my parents, my husband, my boy and the people that read my blog,

I know that there is no need for this apology. I know that the special people in my life who were with me from day 1 of post-natal anxiety don’t need one because they are amazing. But I think they deserve one. I also know that post-natal anxiety wasn’t my fault; it wasn’t a path I chose but I would be ignorant to think it hadn’t affected the people around me too. So this is what I want to say.

To my friends, I’m sorry that I was a bit of a nightmare for a while. If I ever cancelled on you at short notice or if I ever wasn’t well enough to do the things you wanted to do, I’m sorry. I wanted to do all those things, sometimes I was nearly there. I was nearly out of the door and then I couldn’t do it. Please know how much it means that you were patient and kind to me. I know it wasn’t easy to understand especially before I was open about it but I really do appreciate you sticking by me, for having my back.

To my parents, I’m sorry you had to see your only child like that. I’m sorry Mum that I asked you to take my baby away. As a Mum myself I know that must have been terrible to watch. Thank you for just sitting with me and listening. Thank you Dad for spending the first few weeks of your retirement babysitting me, taking me out, holding my hand and giving me a hug (those hugs don’t come easily for you I know).

To my husband, I’m sorry for putting you through such heartbreak at the beginning of our parenting journey. I know how much you beat yourself up about having to leave us every week. You got me through, you pretended to understand even though I know it made sense to you (it made no sense to me either). Thank you for holding my hand and not telling anyone until I was ready; for explaining my odd behaviour to others.

To my boy, I’m sorry for not thinking I could be a good enough mummy to you. I’m sorry that when you were a baby and it was just you and me you saw me cry. Thank you for being the most special beautiful little boy and making me carry on. Thank you for making me beat anxiety and giving me a reason to learn to control it. You are my everything.

Finally, to the people that read my blog, thank you for your encouragement and your lovely comments. Your words of support really helped.

I hope I can be as good a friend, daughter, wife, mum and fellow blogger.

My anxiety will never beat me again and that is down to all of you. If you think you might be suffering from anxiety please please talk to people. It really does help.

All my love,

 

You Baby Me Mummy
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12 Comments

  1. September 13, 2015 / 9:29 pm

    Oh my gosh Rachel this really made me teary!! 🙁 I can resonate with this completely. There were times when I finally persuaded myself to leave the house, then I’d get in the car and just need to get straight back out and go home again. Or there were times when i just couldn’t leave the house at all. Times I’d cancel on friends and playdates and baby groups because I just couldn’t do it. It’s so hard to explain to people who don’t understand why you can’t do something. It’s a horrible, horrible thing to go through and i’m so glad you’ve got such a brilliant support network around you. I have boughts still where I get crippling anxiety (sometimes it’s even the silliest of places, like my local supermarket and I just have to get out of it), but I’ve found ways to cope that help my situation (like the mindfulness post you commented on). I’m glad you’re in a place you can reflect now and it’s not such a dominant part of your life anymore and that you can really enjoy the parenting journey with your family and friends now. Chloe xx
    Chloe recently posted…#MYSUNDAYPHOTOMy Profile

    • September 15, 2015 / 9:17 am

      Thank you so much Chloe. When I get comments like this I feel less alone with it all so thank you xxxx

  2. September 13, 2015 / 9:37 pm

    A lovely post, as you say, nothing to apologise for. I too suffered from this, still do, it’s a struggle at times, but wow how lucky am I !! X
    Mrs Puddleducky recently posted…My Sunday Photo 13/9/15My Profile

    • September 15, 2015 / 9:18 am

      Aw thank you so much lovely. Really lovely of you xxxxx

  3. September 15, 2015 / 4:36 pm

    Gave me goosebumps! Such a good read, well done you.

    Thanks so much for linking up with #justanotherlinky
    Beth recently posted…5 Places I’d Like To TravelMy Profile

  4. September 17, 2015 / 8:30 pm

    Bless you this is such a brave, heartfelt post. It resonated with me in those early days, it’s tough even without PND. You’re a wonderful mum and friend and wife and daughter, and thank goodness you’ve been able to turn that corner and look back. Thanks for linking up to #TheList xx
    Hannah Mums’ days recently posted…Marie Kondo – The life-changing magic of tidyingMy Profile

  5. September 21, 2015 / 3:03 pm

    Great brave post. Warmest wishes to you and delighted its so much better now.

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