To my friends, my parents, my husband, my boy and the people that read my blog,
I know that there is no need for this apology. I know that the special people in my life who were with me from day 1 of post-natal anxiety don’t need one because they are amazing. But I think they deserve one. I also know that post-natal anxiety wasn’t my fault; it wasn’t a path I chose but I would be ignorant to think it hadn’t affected the people around me too. So this is what I want to say.
To my friends, I’m sorry that I was a bit of a nightmare for a while. If I ever cancelled on you at short notice or if I ever wasn’t well enough to do the things you wanted to do, I’m sorry. I wanted to do all those things, sometimes I was nearly there. I was nearly out of the door and then I couldn’t do it. Please know how much it means that you were patient and kind to me. I know it wasn’t easy to understand especially before I was open about it but I really do appreciate you sticking by me, for having my back.
To my parents, I’m sorry you had to see your only child like that. I’m sorry Mum that I asked you to take my baby away. As a Mum myself I know that must have been terrible to watch. Thank you for just sitting with me and listening. Thank you Dad for spending the first few weeks of your retirement babysitting me, taking me out, holding my hand and giving me a hug (those hugs don’t come easily for you I know).
To my husband, I’m sorry for putting you through such heartbreak at the beginning of our parenting journey. I know how much you beat yourself up about having to leave us every week. You got me through, you pretended to understand even though I know it made sense to you (it made no sense to me either). Thank you for holding my hand and not telling anyone until I was ready; for explaining my odd behaviour to others.
To my boy, I’m sorry for not thinking I could be a good enough mummy to you. I’m sorry that when you were a baby and it was just you and me you saw me cry. Thank you for being the most special beautiful little boy and making me carry on. Thank you for making me beat anxiety and giving me a reason to learn to control it. You are my everything.
Finally, to the people that read my blog, thank you for your encouragement and your lovely comments. Your words of support really helped.
I hope I can be as good a friend, daughter, wife, mum and fellow blogger.
My anxiety will never beat me again and that is down to all of you. If you think you might be suffering from anxiety please please talk to people. It really does help.
All my love,