Dear Little Angel,
I’ve been wanting to write this letter for a while, I don’t think I could find the words until now.
I am sitting here with your twin sister, she is cuddled up in her bouncer after a lovely milk feed. You probably want to know that she is doing well; she has overcome some amazing obstacles and she is doing us all proud. You did that. You let me know that something was wrong in my tummy; the home that you shared with your sister. Thank you.
Grief is a funny thing isn’t it? You hear people say all the time that there is no right or wrong way to do it. They’re right. I don’t think I have found the right way to grieve for you yet. Sometimes I am sad, sometimes angry but most of all I just feel loss. Your sister and your brother mean the world to me but there is something missing. A little piece isn’t here in our family jigsaw; that little piece is you.
It wasn’t fair what happened and for a long time I have been consumed with painful guilt. You see, my Little Angel I was frightened all the way through my pregnancy, scared of this happening but I guess I didn’t really think it would. When the consultant told me it had my whole life changed. I had two beautiful baby girls and I’d only just got to know you before I had to say goodbye. 29 weeks I carried you. 29 weeks you made me very very sick. 29 weeks you and your sister grew in my tummy. And I loved you from the moment I knew you were there.
Your brother talks about you a lot. I like that. Some people are frightened to mention your name in case they upset me. But your brother mentions you every day. He is confused about why you left us so soon but he remembers you and I know he will tell your sister all about the kicks he felt and the photos of inside my tummy he saw. He will tell her about the balloons he let off for you when we laid you to rest while your sister was fighting hard in her incubator.
People say to me that there are no words to say. No words big enough to express the feelings surrounding all this. It’s true. How can I even say how much I miss you, how much I love you, how much I wish things had turned out differently but please know you are always in our hearts and I will come and see you lots.
At the end of this Baby Loss Awareness week there is a Wave of Light on the 15th October. The 15th October was your due date so it makes it an extra special day. I will light a candle for you and for all the other little babies lost. I will think of you on that special day but not only then. I will think of you on yours and your sisters birthday, Christmas, family occasions, outings with friends. I will think of your every day. 29 weeks wasn’t long enough but I am thankful for every minute of it.
Lots of Love,