When Everything Didn’t Happen for a Reason

*TRIGGER WARNING*
‘We have found there was no reason for it’. For the 2nd time in that hospital time stood still. The consultant handed me a box of tissues. Tears were escaping. I couldn’t help it.
No reason?
It just happened?

That did not make it okay. People telling me it happened for a reason made it somewhat okay. Three medical professionals sat in a cold office telling me otherwise didn’t make it okay.

On Thursday we were invited back to the hospital to hear the hospitals findings from the investigation in regards to what happened to my twins. ‘It’ll give you closure, answers. You should definitely go’. So many people had said that to me. I went with hope; hope that I’d find out what had happened to my Little Angel and why my Little Lady had had to undergo such a hard start to life. But they didn’t have any answers for me.

For some I guess that would have made it better. There is no blame, no horrible medical terms, no way that I had done anything wrong. But for me it didn’t. It made it harder to accept. I’m not really sure why. Maybe I needed a reason to help explain it to Little Lady when she’s older asking me what happened. Maybe I needed to know that all the risks that I’d been so aware of had been there.

I sat in that office and relived every minute of the night that changed me. I listened to the woman sympathetically tell me how things had happened. I know how they happened. I remember it all. Then I read the report. Full of clinical terms and the finer details of our time in hospital. ‘A woman of 30 arrived at triage with reduced movements..twin 1 had no heartbeat…twin 2 couldn’t breath on her own’. That woman was me, those twins are mine yet in a way it doesn’t feel like me. It all sounds so sad, so tragic, so frightening and then I realise it was me.

I still don’t have answers and now I never will. I know I have to accept that and I will. Times a healer and all that but reliving it like that, it wasn’t easy.

Time will heal. It has to.

A Cornish Mum
Quite Frankly She Said Sunday Best
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