‘I’m glad it’s not twins’

*Trigger Warning*

‘I’m glad it’s not twins!’

A pregnant mama said that to me today in the park. She was relieved that her larger than average bump was only carrying one baby. I smiled along with her, even nodded along in agreement when she said what a nightmare it would have been as she already had one child. It wasn’t her fault that I walked away from that conversation with my 4 year old and baby twinless twin a little bit stung. She wasn’t to know that just 8 months ago I had delivered beautiful twin girls yet I was only standing there with a single pushchair rather than the double that we had originally bought. It wasn’t her fault.

It’s funny really I think I was a little the same as her before everything happened. When I was pregnant with Little Man I had a big bump and I often received comments about whether I was sure there was only one! There was only one; he was 10lbs 6oz and that was the reason for my rather large bump.  So when I became pregnant for a second time I didn’t really worry about the fact that I started showing really early. I just assumed I was having another big baby. I remember having a conversation with someone about how crazy it must be to find out you’re having twins or triplets when you already have children. How do people find the space?! How do they afford the bigger cars?! Crazy I thought until I lay on a bed at my early 7 week scan and got told I was having twins. All of a sudden I really wanted twins. I was of course shocked but I couldn’t imagine being pregnant with a single baby then. We found the space; we made a twin nursery and we bought a big ass car! Then my world fell apart at 29 weeks and I lost her.

Most of the time life just goes on doesn’t it? If you have suffered any loss you will know what I mean. The world keeps turning, people keep doing what they were doing and you kind of get taken along for the ride. And then someone you meet in the park says those words that tear your heart into pieces all over again. It wasn’t her fault. She didn’t know and once upon a time I was thinking exactly the same as her. But I had twins. I wanted twins.

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I’m Rachel, a 30 something Mum to 6 year old Little Man & 2 year old twin girls (one with us & one in the sky).

I’m an anxiety sufferer, list writer and secret chocolate eater.

Join me going from anxious to organised.

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