Why I Will Never Move On From Losing My Baby

***Trigger Warning – Baby Loss***

Grief is an odd concept. We all do it differently. There are no rules, no right and wrong way to cope with it. You have no idea how you will cope until it happens. Some days I feel empty without my third child. I miss her; I miss what she would have been. Other days I feel like I can take on the world for her. It is a journey, sometimes a dark one, sometimes a hopeful one but a journey that is personal.

Photo Credit – Alistair Rowan Photography

People often tell me that time will be a healer and that I will move on from the loss of my baby. I agree with this to a certain extent. I agree that life becomes easier to live as time passes. Because the baby I lost was one of twins I had to hit the ground running. I got to spend 24 hours with my angel before all my efforts had to go into Little Lady who was lay fighting for her life in her incubator. Since October when she came home life has carried on as normal really. Time has made it easier but I won’t move on and I won’t stop grieving. This may sound like I am being my own worst enemy but I saw this quote the other day on the Still Aware Facebook page and it summed it up beautifully for me.

 

Grief is the last act of love we have to give to those we loved.

Where there is deep grief, there was great love

(livepurposefullynow.com)

Don’t get me wrong, I want to get on with life and spend time with my family and friends; find a new normal but I don’t want to forget. Since I found out I was having twins I was a mother of three and that will never stop. I am a mother of three. I don’t want to move on from her, I want her to be part of everything we do. My boy asked me the other day if I could grow another baby so we could have her back. Heartbreaking? Yes, my heart felt like it broke into a million pieces but this shows how much she is with him too. Never far from his mind. I don’t want him to be sad but I want him to remember. I want him to remember laying his head on my bump and being kicked by both of his sisters.

Stillbirth and miscarriage makes people feel uncomfortable. There is no right thing to say to the parents who are grieving, there is no way of taking their pain away. I would imagine it is quite easy to look at me; the smiley happy Rachel and think that I have moved on. I haven’t. I never will. I don’t want to. I am a mother of three. So next time you speak to a Mummy or Daddy of an angel mention their angel’s name if they do. Don’t tell them to move on. They will never be ready to do that. Grieving doesn’t have a time limit. Grieving shows we cared, it shows that tiny person meant the world to us. Grieving shows love.

 

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