I’ve dusted off the laptop. I’ve dug it out from behind the sofa and stared at a blank page for a while. You see, I forgot how to do it. When everything happened it was all I wanted to do; pour my heart out onto the screen. My head was so full of feelings and they needed to escape so I wrote.
What I have realised over the last couple of months that for the first 6 months after the twins were born I was in shock, a huge amount of shock. I wanted to shout it from the roof tops. I couldn’t handle people talking to me like I was ‘normal’. It must have been uncomfortable for some; I didn’t cry at them. I just very plainly said that I had had twins but one had passed away and the other was fighting for her life in an incubator. Then Little Lady came home and things eased a little bit but I was in the new baby bubble, you know the one I mean. And then I started to relax a bit with her too.
Then. BAM. The words stopped.
The shock dissipated a bit and I clammed up. I couldn’t talk about it. I wanted to be normal then. I didn’t want people to look at me too hard in case they could actually see my heart breaking. I didn’t want people to think I was weak or ungrateful for the kids that I did have with me. I couldn’t write about it, not just that, I couldn’t write about anything. Writing about every day stuff felt unimportant but writing about what was at the forefront of my mind felt wrong too.
But now we are in July; the month that will never feel like a normal month again. The month that will be forever more the month that made me a Mummy again, it will hold my Little Lady’s birthday and it will hold my heartbreak and the memories of my little angel. All of a sudden the words feel ready to come out. So, to those who have stuck with me, thank you. I am ready to share everything with you again and hopefully help a few a long the way. And if all else fails we can have a laugh at moments like when a dog tried to eat my Little Mans sandwich and I was a little bit scared! Time to bring the words back. Blog, I am back.