Finding the Words Again

I’ve dusted off the laptop. I’ve dug it out from behind the sofa and stared at a blank page for a while. You see, I forgot how to do it. When everything happened it was all I wanted to do; pour my heart out onto the screen. My head was so full of feelings and they needed to escape so I wrote.

What I have realised over the last couple of months that for the first 6 months after the twins were born I was in shock, a huge amount of shock. I wanted to shout it from the roof tops. I couldn’t handle people talking to me like I was ‘normal’. It must have been uncomfortable for some; I didn’t cry at them. I just very plainly said that I had had twins but one had passed away and the other was fighting for her life in an incubator. Then Little Lady came home and things eased a little bit but I was in the new baby bubble, you know the one I mean. And then I started to relax a bit with her too.

Then. BAM. The words stopped.

The shock dissipated a bit and I clammed up. I couldn’t talk about it. I wanted to be normal then. I didn’t want people to look at me too hard in case they could actually see my heart breaking. I didn’t want people to think I was weak or ungrateful for the kids that I did have with me. I couldn’t write about it, not just that, I couldn’t write about anything. Writing about every day stuff felt unimportant but writing about what was at the forefront of my mind felt wrong too.


But now we are in July; the month that will never feel like a normal month again. The month that will be forever more the month that made me a Mummy again, it will hold my Little Lady’s birthday and it will hold my heartbreak and the memories of my little angel. All of a sudden the words feel ready to come out. So, to those who have stuck with me, thank you. I am ready to share everything with you again and hopefully help a few a long the way. And if all else fails we can have a laugh at moments like when a dog tried to eat my Little Mans sandwich and I was a little bit scared! Time to bring the words back. Blog, I am back.

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16 Comments

  1. July 14, 2017 / 9:08 pm

    Rachel you are incredibly breve. I cannot imagine how you felt and I’m not going to insult you by pretending too. But your writing is beautiful and I’m so glad you’re back! 🙂 sending so much love and strength to you all this month ox

    • July 14, 2017 / 9:32 pm

      Oh thank you so much for such a lovely comment beaut. It’s good to be back xx

  2. July 14, 2017 / 9:22 pm

    Ah so lovely to see you back. Big love to your gorgeous family x

  3. July 14, 2017 / 9:26 pm

    Rachel you are amazing. So lovely to see you back xx

  4. July 14, 2017 / 9:32 pm

    Oh Rachel, I’m so happy that you’re blogging again. You write beautifully. This month is going to be tough but we’re all here for you. Sending you so much love. Lucy xxxx
    Mrs H recently posted…Baby of mine, now you are oneMy Profile

  5. July 14, 2017 / 9:41 pm

    Lovely to see you back again lovely. Lots of love and hope you can get through this time xx

  6. July 14, 2017 / 9:46 pm

    Rachel it’s great to have you back and I’ll be here reading everything that you have to say. Lots of love xxx

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