Dear Little Angel,
I’ve been looking for the words for quite a while now. The words to explain how I have been feeling for the past year. I guess the only words I have are simple ones; I miss you.
I have just written a first birthday letter to your sister, that should have been for you too. Today there should be double presents, a joint cake and matching first birthday outfits. But there isn’t and that’s so hard. We will of course enjoy the day. It is a celebration of how wonderful your sister has fought the last year. You’d be really proud of her. She is a little fighter. She is feisty too and strong willed. I often wonder if you would have been the more chilled twin or if you would have been the same too! Don’t worry though, we won’t forget you, we will send balloons up to you.
This past year has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me. People often tell me to be grateful for your brother and sister, and I am. Of course I am. But I saw a quote the other day which was something along the lines of not telling a grieving a mother to be grateful for the children she has with her until you have tried to imagine your life without one of your kids in it. That’s exactly it. I love your brother and sister so much but I love you too and not being able to show you how much, like I do with them breaks my heart.
I wrote in your sisters letter about the moment she was born. I remember the moment you were born too. You were first. The midwife asked me if I wanted to hold you. I did. So much. You were beautiful my little princess. I will treasure the memory of the 24 hours we had with you. I will treasure every cuddle.
Nothing will ever make the pain go away, I know that. I don’t really want it to because that might mean I am forgetting you and I never want to do that.
I don’t want this to be your anniversary but your birthday too.
Happy Birthday my Little Angel. It is an honour to be your Mama, however much it breaks my heart.
I hope you are sleeping well.
All my love,