Half term is done and back to the school run we go in the morning. To most people school holidays are something to look forward to; no school runs, lazy mornings in and some quality time with the kids. I look forward to all of those things too but sometimes the anxiety demon gets in the way. With the massive life changes that have come with quitting my job and choosing to stay at home more (more about this soon) came a new attitude too. I wanted to grab the bull by the horns and face things head on. So often the worry of having to take both kids somewhere on my own would overwhelm me and I would duck out justifying it to myself that we all needed yet another quiet day. However I have made some changes in relation to my anxiety recently too which has consisted of medication and the beginning of a CBT journey. With all of this and the worry of work being no more I felt a little bit more okay.
I took the kids to a busy garden centre on my own, I took them shopping and Little Man to McDonalds. The thing with my anxiety is I would have done all of these things anyway but the difference this time was that I actually enjoyed them. I wrote a post earlier in the week about embracing the good and I guess this all went hand in hand. I stopped overthinking and managed to shut my own head up for a while telling me I couldn’t do it. And I did do it. Not yet with ease but with a lot more confidence than I had in the past, since becoming a Mum. I even managed to find it funny when sorting some things on the back seat of the car I managed to lock myself in with the child locks on! Little Man was in the front happily eating his McDonalds until he had to pull me through the gap to get to the front. No panic, just lots of giggling and a very cheeky comment from Little Man about my bottom being rather large!
The one huge thing I think all anxiety sufferers have to come to the realisation about is that it doesn’t have to control us as much as we think it does. Believe me, I know this is harder than it sounds because just telling ourselves to stop worrying is impossible but with help I managed to not worry for a little while. I have to say, I wish I had got help sooner. So, maybe next school holidays I will have a bit more of a spring in my step and a bit less dread about not giving Little Man the holidays he deserves. I am not better, no where near. Yesterday Little Lady was poorly and the old feelings come flooding back as poorly kids is one of my triggers. But I did it. I got through it even with a little hint of a smile on my face. Anxiety, I’m coming for you.