The Fear of Forgetting
**Trigger – Baby Loss**
When I have sadly lost people close to me in the past one of my worries has always been forgetting. I had a fear of forgetting what they looked like or what they sounded like. However, I have got years and years of memories with them and hundreds of photos.
A couple of nights ago I woke up at 2am filled with worry and upset. I don’t know if I had been dreaming about my baby girl but all of a sudden I had this overwhelming fear of forgetting her. I was worried I would forget what she looked like. I know this sounds silly as she is an identical twin and her sister gives me an insight into what she would have looked like but still, I was worried. I worried I wouldn’t remember her, as she was. Unlike when I had lost others I didn’t have the years of memories, I had 24 hours. Please, don’t get me wrong I know some people don’t even get that and I am incredibly grateful for it but all the same it was only 24 hours.
I tried to push the worries aside that night, after all the kids would be awake in a few hours. This wasn’t the time to be having a melt down, I should be asleep. But I couldn’t let it lie so I got up, found the prettiest notebook I could find (for some reason this was important to me at the time) and a pen and sat down to write. I wrote down every little thing I could remember about her and those 24 hours. I wrote about her dark hair, her big feet and her perfect little cherry lips. I wrote about how I cuddled her and how it felt to be her Mummy for a while. I wrote about how it felt when I had to leave her for a while to go and meet her sister and how I wanted to take her to see her sister too. I wrote about the time I spent in the hospital room just me and her; I told her about her big brother, her twin sister and her Daddy. I wrote and wrote until I couldn’t write anymore.
I now write for a living and it is one of my most favourite past times but writing that at 2am when it felt like the rest of the world was asleep was by far the hardest thing I had ever written. Yet on the other hand it was incredibly cathartic. I felt like all the feelings that I had been keeping in for the past 15 months just poured out onto the page and it was what I needed. I did it for Little Lady too. I don’t know how she will feel about being a twin. We don’t really know about the connections twins have and I wanted something to give her if she ever needed it that told her all about her twin sister. After all, they shared my tummy for 29 weeks.
The fear of forgetting is a valid one for anyone who is grieving and I think it’s one of the hardest part of grief. In one way you have to move on with life but the more you do that the more you feel like those memories are fading even though I know I probably won’t ever really forget those 24 hours. How could I? That day changed me as a woman and a Mummy and I will never be the same again. So the pieces of paper with my scribbled thoughts on are now tucked away in my baby girls memory box. Maybe I will never read them again, maybe Little Lady will never need to read them either but they are there. If I wake up in the middle of the night with the fear again, I just need to grab those notes and read all about my precious baby girl with her dark hair and big feet. I know I will never forget, not really but the memories are all we have and I want to preserve them as long as I can.
If you or anyone you know needs help, support or advice about anything surrounding baby loss please visit Saying Goodbye.