The title of this post may seem a bit depressing. It’s not, in fact it’s almost the opposite. New years resolutions just aren’t for me anymore. One thing I have learnt over the past couple of years is that you never know what life is going to throw at you. Although resolutions may provide me with a bit of focus and drive they may also give me disappointment. I’m an anxious person. I spend my days worrying about the outcomes of things and what I am doing next. I worry that things won’t go to plan, that in some way I am going to fail at the thing I have promised myself I will do. I completely understand why people have them. A new year is the best time to start afresh; dust off the gym membership card, write a list of goals, start a new diary (okay, I do do that one!) but it all depends how much force you put behind all those goals. For me, and I’m sure for others who suffer from anxiety I put a lot of pressure on myself to make them happen.
In the January of 2016 I wasn’t even pregnant. On my new years resolution list was things like have another baby and grow my blog. What followed that January was a twin pregnancy, baby loss and a neonatal stay. My blog didn’t get a look in! In the January of 2017 I wanted to have a happy year, get rid of a bit of weight, get back into work. What followed was the hardest year yet with my anxiety, comfort eating and leaving work. I didn’t see any of this coming and earlier on in 2017 I didn’t see a way out. I was mentally very poorly and I didn’t feel like I could do it all anymore. I felt trapped in my own head and was failing on all levels or that’s what it felt like anyway. But I did it. I got through it and that I am truly grateful for.
Now please don’t get me wrong. This isn’t me being negative this is about me finally understanding myself. Understanding that pressure doesn’t suit me and that planning the big stuff isn’t always good for me. I actually feel really positive about this year. This blog is going in the right direction, I have some wonderful people around me, the kids are doing well and I have got to know me. This could be a really good year. But that is as far as I’m going. No sweeping statements about the best year yet keeping me up at night.
I suppose in a way I do have a new years resolution and that is to live in the moment. I spend far too much time trying to live in the future, planning what is going to happen, what my next move is. That certainly doesn’t help my anxiety. Living in the moment does. Trying to not worry about the next day until it comes may seem like a simple thing to some but for me that is so hard. Christmas, for example was hard for me. I wanted so much for it to be special for us that I ended up worrying about it on the build up rather than enjoying it. And just like that it’s been and gone and guess what nothing awful happened!
So if you are have a list of new years resolutions I wish you all the luck in the world with them. Give them your best shot but please don’t give yourself a hard time if you fall short. If you don’t have resolutions like me, that’s okay too. Planning as far as next week is good enough. Getting to the end of this year and just being grateful that you got there. That’s okay too. For me, it’s time to focus on the little things.
Happy 2018 to you! I hope it is a happy and a healthy one.