Trigger Warning – Contains references to baby loss.
A couple of days ago I posted on Instagram about my lack of body confidence. I got an amazing reaction from it; lovely comments and some really touching private messages from women telling me how they felt too. As I said in the post, I don’t normally talk about this sort of stuff. I know nothing about fashion or make up. I see so many amazing womens posts about body confidence and how they have accepted their body for whatever reason. A lot of the ladies that I follow are Mums so a lot of the body confidence posts that I read are usually about post baby bodies. I envy the women that are totally okay with their post baby bodies, their selfies are stunning. I totally believe that every woman is beautiful and our body tells a story. I love that, I wish I was that brave. But I’m just not and I have recently started to feel less worried about my body confidence issues and more embarrassment that I’m not okay with my body and that I am body unconfident.
Today is a cosy jumper kind of day. I never do fashion posts because I'm not fashionable. I never do body confidence posts because I'm not happy with my body. I never do make up posts because contouring is a whole new world which I am not in. What I do do is cosy jumper posts. Cosy jumpers that hide the tummy that has diastasis recti underneath. I'm the biggest I've ever been but strangely I'm okay with that. I've never been stick thin so I'm happy to embrace my curves but other than that I have no clue what I'm doing as far as fashion etc goes and my confidence is low. However today I want to share a photo that I would normally press the delete button on because actually it's okay to not have the perfect photo all the time and although it's amazing to have body confidence ( I envy those that to do) it's okay to not have it too. After 2 big pregnancy bumps (one 10lb 6oz baby and a twin pregnancy) I would be naive to think that they hadn't had an effect on my body. I'm proud of what my body has done and I can be proud and not be confident too. #mumbod #bodyconfidence #cosyjumper #diastasisrecti #imnotperfect #notconfident #igmums #mumsofinstagram #pbloggers #pbloggersuk #mummyblogger
So let me tell you about my post babies body. As I mentioned in the Instagram post I have had two very big baby bumps. Little Man was 13 days overdue and weighed 10lbs 6oz and my twin girls were both just short of 3lbs each when they were born at 29 weeks. They were very good sizes for their gestation. I grow big babies and I carry at the front. My pregnancy bumps always looked like a beach ball had been shoved up my top!
After I had Little Man I got diastasis recti which is when the muscles in your tummy during pregnancy split and leave a gap. This meant that I was left with what looked like a 4 or 5 month pregnancy bump. I would often notice glances to my tummy and could see people wondering if I was pregnant. Once a colleague asked my friend if I was pregnant again. I wasn’t. As you can imagine after another large pregnancy bump and two c-sections my tummy has only got worse. I’m okay with that. I like that my stretch marks are the marks of my pregnancies and I’ve become a fan of high waisted jeans to tuck my tummy into. However you won’t ever find me on a beach in a bikini. I just can’t do it. I wish I could.
Sadly the lack of body confidence cuts a little deeper than what I look like. One of the things I have really struggled with since losing one of my babies is the guilt. There was no reason given by the medical team for the death of one of my twins at 28 weeks; no twin to twin transfusion syndrome, no infections, no nothing. Just one of those things. That has been one of the things I have found the hardest to accept while grieving and as so many of us mothers do for all sorts of reason I lay the reason on myself. It must have been something I did wrong and I blame my body for that. I blame it for not being able to carry the twins till full term and for not being able to keep my baby girl.
There are all sorts of reasons that I am not body confident but there are also things I like about my body. I like my bum, I like my eyes and I like my hair. I would love to be able to join in with the body confidence posts online, I would love to empower women like so many of these amazing mums already do. I can’t do that but what I can do is show mums like me that they are not alone. It is okay to not be okay with your body. By not being body confident it doesn’t mean that you aren’t proud of what your body has achieved. I am so proud of mine for so many reasons but I will never be in anything but a baggy jumper on my Instagram feed. If you are body confident, that’s amazing. If you’re not, that’s perfectly fine too. We are all different and that’s what makes us…us.