Trigger Warning – Baby Loss.
I wrote a post a couple of weeks ago about the night the twins were born, I had so much love on it and some messages thanking me for sharing it too. Interestingly most of these messages weren’t from baby loss parents, they were from friends and family of baby loss parents.
This really struck a chord with me.
As I have said many many times before the fact that baby loss is being talked about as much as it is now is amazing but there is still along way to go. Those first 24 hours of losing a baby are intense, heartbreaking and surreal all at the same time and for the most part it is just the parents in that little bubble. The friends and families of those parents who so desperately want to help simply do not have a clue what it was like (unless they have been through it) and that is why we need to keep talking so that the people around the parents can do or say the right thing at the right time.
But let’s be honest, they can’t do that without knowing even just a little bit about what went on over those first few days. So this is where baby loss parents who are comfortable with sharing their stories come in. We can gave that small insight, no it won’t be exactly the same, every story is different but at least it gives a little idea into how things worked.
Today I am sharing with you the 24 hours after the twins were born.
After my c-section I spent a few hours in recovery. This was one of the most surreal parts for me. I had just had two babies and neither of them were with me. Little Lady had been taken straight to Neonatal and Little Angel had been taken away to be cleaned up. We sat in recovery while the feeling came back into my legs, eating toast and chatting away to the nurse. It was like none of it had happened. I just couldn’t process it so I didn’t.
Eventually I was taken to a room, I remember it being really small and dark (it was 4am!) and there were no windows. I lay in the bed and my husband lay in the chair next to me and we just tried to sleep, what was there to say really? Finally the midwife came in and asked G if he wanted to go and see the babies. He visited Little Lady in the incubator that had taken over my job and he visited Little Angel too. He came back with photos on his phone of them and my heart broke into a million pieces. I loved them both so much.
The midwife bought Little Angel in to be with us and I cuddled her and held her tight. With her in her little bed next to us we drifted in and out of sleep worried for Little Lady and in total shock.
At around 6am I suddenly remembered that it was my baby shower that day and then that nobody knew what had happened. It’s funny the order in which things come into your head at times like that. We rang our parents and told them which was yet another heartbreaking thing to do and then I rang my best friend to tell her and to ask her to let my friends know that there would be no baby shower. I asked her not to tell them what had happened yet. I just wasn’t ready for people to know. Gosh, people didn’t even know I was anywhere near having the twins yet let alone in the situation we now found ourselves in.
Then the worst part came, G had to go home. He had to go home to tell our little boy what had happened. I can’t even think about what that conversation must have been like. Little Man as always was a total hero about it as his Daddy let him sit in the front seat of the car and they had a chat on the way to the toy shop. He took it all in his stride and he couldn’t wait to meet his baby sister. Sitting in a hospital bed and not being able to hold his little hand and be there for him still bothers me now.
Later in the afternoon we had visiting time for those very close to us that wanted to meet Little Angel. I had spent all day with her. Finally they allowed me to go and see Little Lady. My best friend was there at the time and I will always be grateful to her for sitting with Little Angel while we went to Neonatal, I can’t imagine how hard that must have been for her. She was my real life angel that day, she didn’t think twice and just drove to the hospital to be with me.
Meeting Little Lady for the first time was amazing. It was frightening too as she was hooked up to so many wires and she was so very small. It was so strange to think that the nurses had been looking after her for that first day and I hadn’t but she was safe and stable and right there and then that was all that mattered.
Later in the evening we had to say our goodbyes to Little Angel. The hardest thing I think I have ever done and probably ever will do. My heart broke again as the midwife carried her away. Inside I wanted to scream for her to bring her back, she was my baby and her sister was just down the corridor. But deep down I knew there would never be a right time, there would never be a good time to take her.
.G went home to Little Man and there I was in the hospital room on my own and not having a clue what had really happened. I wanted to go home too, I wanted to hold Little Man tight and tell him it would be okay. That we would all be ok. I collapsed into sleep that night exhausted from the emotion of it all.
That was the day after my twins were born. Heartbreaking, overwhelming, every emotion possible but most of all fear. Fear of what was to come.
A very bittersweet day. A day that changed me forever
I hope this helps anyone that needs it.