If you have seen my Instagram stories this week you will know I have had quite the week. Theres been an A&E trip, sickness bugs and broken cars so this week I am sharing the lovely Georgia’s guest post. She is bravely sharing her thoughts and feelings about her post natal depression.
Lets talk PND because nobody really wants to. When I had Luna I was in this perfect little baby bubble and absolutely nothing could burst it. She was the perfect textbook baby; sleeping through by 5 weeks. She was so content and was honestly a dream.
Fast forward 3 years and along came Rex. Now I definitely don’t feel any different about him but the baby blues hit me harder and the early days of breastfeeding was enough to make anyone wince. He screamed from morning until night, and then through the night. 6 weeks later he was diagnosed with CMPA. That kick started our journey into being dairy free. I’ve never craved chocolate and cheese as much as when I was told I couldn’t have it anymore! Within two weeks he was honestly a different baby, if you had of told me someone had switched him while I was having my 2 hours (generous over exaggeration there) sleep a day I’d of definitely believed you.
However, that didn’t make me feel any better. To be frank I felt numb. I love the bones of my children, but nothing I did seemed good enough, it was like I couldn’t be the mum I’d once been. I was irritable – no sleep can do that to you. I wanted to rip Zane’s (my other half) head off mainly for breathing and I was ridiculously jealous of everyone having the perfect life, whilst I felt like mine was spiraling out of control.
You know that hungover state when you’re there, but everything’s hazy, you’re watching everything happen but not taking it in? Try that for 4 months and it starts to get frustrating. Pyjama days became more frequent & I was beginning to run out of excuses to not do anything. I felt ashamed and embarrassed of how I was feeling. I didn’t want anyone to think I couldn’t cope or that I didn’t love my children and I couldn’t bare the thought of people pitying me. I psyched myself up to tell the Health Visitor, only to be told it was ‘normal’ and I couldn’t possibly have PND because I’m breastfeeding. I’m sorry but if that was normal I wanted out. The Doctor however was much more helpful and steered me onto the right track. I was suddenly ready to tackle this head on & get back in control.
Fast forward 6 months and out of nowhere little thoughts creeped into my mind. Zane was late home, he must have been in an accident. School were ringing me, Luna must need to go to hospital. On the rare occasion I’d let anyone have the kids I’d be constantly fretting something had happened to them. God forbid someone took longer than 37 seconds to reply to a text. I couldn’t help myself, no amount of reassurance was enough for me unless they were sitting right next to me, breathing in air from the same room I was sat in. On the outside I was fine, inside I was a paranoid wreck. I spent my days absolutely exhausted, but my nights tossing and turning desperate to sleep. How could I feel like this when everything I had ever wanted was around me? I couldn’t accept I needed help again, I couldn’t be that burden again, but I knew I needed it. Zane has been my rock throughout this all, supporting me, listening to my absurd theories, calming me down & convincing me to leave the house to socialise.
Just like before I’m now back on track & starting to push through the haze.
But it’s ok not to be ok. It’s ok to ask for help. It’s so important to ask for help. Being a mum is hard, but don’t be hard on yourself. I love my babies and nothing will ever change that. They are my absolute world and I’d walk to the end of the earth for them. I just want to be the mum they want to do the same for.
Thank you to Georgia for sharing her story. If you recognise any of these feelings in yourself or someone close to you please talk to someone and get the support that is out there. If you would like to read more from Georgia you can visit her blog here. You can also follow her on Facebook and Instagram.