I have just written your sisters 2nd birthday letter and now it’s time for yours. As I sat down to write this the familiar physical ache appeared in my chest. I think it’s my heart hurting, my heart letting me know that there is a piece of it missing. I still don’t have the words to describe how it feels to have lost you. How after getting used to having twins and being frightened of it but then having it ripped away from you can be the most debilitating feeling. How grief can be felt physically and how my arms can feel so full yet so empty.
So many people told me that time was a healer after we lost you but the truth is, it isn’t. We just learn to deal with things better and we learn how to reign the emotions in a bit so we can get on with life for your brother and sister.
I miss you so much baby girl. I will never forget the day they put you in my arms while they were getting your sister out; your little pouty lips and your dark hair. You were so beautiful and even though I was heartbroken I was so happy to meet you. I named you Heidi; that was always the girls name I wanted when I was a little girl and I wanted you to have it. My special girl.
Your sister is doing you proud, she is a fighter and so very strong. As I said in her letter, she is very loud! I often wonder if you would have been like chalk and cheese or if you would have been the quiet one or if you both would have been as crazy as each other.
Your brother has been talking about you a lot recently. He hasn’t forgotten. He asks about you and he has made you a birthday card for today. In his own way I think he misses you too. He brings you up at the most random times and I find myself holding back the tears but I am so glad he remembers.
I cry for you every day when no one is looking. There isn’t a day goes by when I don’t think about you. With every milestone that Little Lady hits I wonder if you would have been doing it too. I try to make a difference in my own little way writing my blog and chatting to other Mums who have experienced losing their baby too. I really hope that makes you proud. I love to talk about you, I love to hear other people say your name, I love that you had a place in peoples lives if only for a little while because you were important. You are important.
So, happy second birthday my beautiful star in the sky, we love you so very much. We will write your name in the sand today and while Little Lady blows out her candles we will have a little moment for you too.