A Letter on our Third Christmas Without You

Happy Christmas Darling Heidi

My heart aches for you just as it did last Christmas, the one before and every day in between. I’m not going to pretend that I thought it would be easier by now but it isn’t. I miss you so very much. I miss what we could have had together, I miss what you could have had with your brother and sister. I miss the future that I didn’t realise I had mapped out for you.

A few days ago I was cuddling your sister, your brother was playing on his computer game and I looked at them both and I had a moment of pure pain and need for you. I imagined how you would fit into that moment. Would you be on my lap too, would you be playing on the floor, where would you have been in our little family?

This year has been a big year for everyone. Your brother has made some big breakthroughs and I know you will be proud of him. He mentions you every day without fail. He lists you as one of his best friends, he often wonders aloud what you would have been like. He keeps your memory alive like no other. Your little twin is doing amazing too. She learnt to walk after lots and lots of mountains to climb first, she has some awesome pink magic shoes and she is going from strength to strength. She doesn’t quite understand yet but she likes to visit your grave with me and play with the wind chimes there. She is always very calm and chilled when she is with you. I wonder if she knows she is close to you again.

As for me and Daddy, well we talk about you a lot too. You are never far from our thoughts. The Doctors told me I have PTSD after losing you and your sister being in hospital. It was such a hard time but even though I find it hard I wouldn’t change those few hours we had with you. I got to be your Mummy for a while and I treasure that.

A third Christmas without you baby girl. I hate that we never even got to have one with you but you’re with us. Your decorations are on the tree and most importantly you’re in our hearts.

People told me time would heal, I think people say that when they don’t know what else to say because it’s not true. You get used to dealing with it and you learn to smile again but it never heals. I don’t really want it to, I love to remember you and talk about you. In a lot of peoples eyes I didn’t have you for long so that must be easier to move on from but I don’t see it like that. Your tiny life made a huge impact on me and the rest of our family; you’re a special little girl who looked after her sister. That is something we will never forget.

So on another milestone, another Christmas. We will remember you, we will talk about you and we will always love you.

Merry Christmas beautiful girl.

Mummy x

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