3rd Birthday Kisses to the Stars

Dear Heidi,

Happy 3rd Birthday my beautiful little girl in the stars.

I can’t really believe it has been three years since you entered our world silently alongside your sister. Your first birthday was full of floods of tears, moments of anger and lots of raw emotion. Your second birthday was almost harder, I had spent two years watching your gorgeous sister growing up and wondered why life had been so unfair that I hadn’t go to watch you grow up too.

And now it’s your third birthday. In the last three years my most hated phrase has become ‘time is a healer’ because it’s not. I don’t feel healed! I feel cheated out of 3 years with one of my beautiful children. I know some people don’t understand how I feel that way, how sometimes I am consumed with grief when I have the other two with me but I wonder if they could tell me which of their children they could do without?

Twin life was a life I immersed myself in when I found out I was having you and your sister. I followed so many Instagram accounts about twins, we bought two of everything, we were super excited to go from a family of three to a family of five. The nursery had two cots in it which your big brother lovingly chose teddies and blankets for you both. That room is just your sisters now and we have made it lovely for her obviously. But I will never forget the image in my head of your Daddy walking into that room and collapsing on the floor between the two cots the night you were born and crying for you both. It just wasn’t how we had planned.

I miss what we should have had with you. You were perfect; long toes and pouty lips. Your sister puts her pouty lips to good use when she is stropping, I’m sure you would have too! We still talk about you all the time and visit you too. Your sister is just starting to understand who you are and I love to tell her about you. Your big bro always has you in his thoughts, he is proud to talk about both his little sisters and he never leaves you out.

We love you so very much, wherever you are I hope you get your birthday kisses today.

Love Mummy xx


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I’m Rachel, a 30 something Mum to 6 year old Little Man & 2 year old twin girls (one with us & one in the sky).

I’m an anxiety sufferer, list writer and secret chocolate eater.

Join me going from anxious to organised.

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