If you follow my social media accounts you will probably have noticed I’m having a bit of re-jig. This blog isn’t going anywhere but it will be more focused on mental health, NICU and baby loss (there is a new blog coming soon for all things routine too so keep your eyes peeled for that), three things that have changed my life in the past 6 years. To reflect that I have a new strap line for Mummy in Training; finding my new normal.  Have you ever noticed the little ‘HS’ in the cloud just for my little Heidi? Anyway, I…

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Dear NICU Nurses, I don’t think I ever properly said thank you; a rushed one maybe as I put my not even 5lb baby into her car seat for the very first time after 9 weeks of being with you. It was all a blur to be honest. We were clutching bags and bags of medication for her and trying not to drop the breathing monitor she was attached to. You all gave me encouraging smiles as I left, wished us well and told us to come back and visit you. I smiled, thanked you and we walked away. We…

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**Trigger Warning – Baby Loss**   The day my baby girl was born sleeping was the day I changed and the world changed around me. Nothing felt the same, nothing looked the same, people didn’t seem the same. It was a whole new journey that we were about to embark on and we had no idea how it was going to go. I think this is often the case for people who have lost a loved one at any age. It is one of the hardest times to go through in life. It can be lonely, heartbreaking and downright difficult.…

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**Trigger Warning – Baby Loss** Apparently I was talking in my sleep the other night. I was telling someone that Heidi was mine and not to take her away. I remember that dream vividly, mainly because I have it at least once a week. There is someone taking her out of my arms and walking away with her. I can’t get off the bed and she is gone. The most painful part of that dream is that she is alive. Sitting on the sofa at night with a big bar of chocolate crying my eyes out. Going through Heidi’s memory…

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Dear Heidi, I have just written your sisters 2nd birthday letter and now it’s time for yours. As I sat down to write this the familiar physical ache appeared in my chest. I think it’s my heart hurting, my heart letting me know that there is a piece of it missing. I still don’t have the words to describe how it feels to have lost you. How after getting used to having twins and being frightened of it but then having it ripped away from you can be the most debilitating feeling. How grief can be felt physically and how…

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